When It All Falls Apart
by nikolabelle
Summary: Everything starts to fall apart as Severus and Lily go their seperate ways.
1. Chapter 1

MARAUDERS FANFIC

"Don't lie to me, Sev. Marlene says she _saw _you running away from the Defence Against the Dark Arts. Where Diggory was found-did you know that Marls was the one who found him, Sev? He didn't look so good, either." Lily stood with her arms crossed, facing Severus, who was trying not to look guilty. It was near midnight, and Lily had only come out because Alice had told her that he'd threatened to sleep outside the portrait hole. Severus could do nothing but melt beneath her hard, cold stare.

"I didn't-Lily, you know I didn't! Marlene she-she must have lied!" his voice started to grow pleading, desperate, until he was struck with a new idea. "Maybe-maybe someone used a Polyjuice Potion, to look like me!"

"Sev, none of your friends can properly make a Dizziness Draught in Potions, I don't see how they would make a Polyjuice Potion. And your friends, Sev! How do you stand them-Mulciber-Mulciber! They're _evil_, Sev! You know what he-"

Lily stopped mid-sentence, footsteps echoing up the staircase, mixed with male voices and muffled laughter.

"That was great! You good, Moony?"

"Could be better...ah."

"That was-that was brilliant, Moony! Do you remember taking out that tree-ha!"

"Yeah!"

Lily rolled her bright green eyes. "Potter," she muttered. The four boys came into view at the bottom of the staircase. James's face seemed to light up in the half gloom when he saw Lily, before darkening into a frown when he noticed Severus in the shadows.

"Hey, Evans! Whatcha doing out?" James leaned casually against the banister, flicking his dark hair out of his face.

"I could ask you the same thing, Potter. Why do you keep sneaking out?" He winked, and Lily rolled her eyes again.

Sirius saw Severus and sneered. "Oi, Snivelly, what did you do that to Diggory for, hey? Didn't look too good, did he, Wormy?" Peter, who had been hiding behind James, quickly shook his head.

"That's Dark Magic, Snape." James added. "And yeah, Padfoot, you're right. He didn't look nearly like himself when we went to the Hospital Wing for...right, Moony?"

"Yeah, sure, James." Lily was a little surprised to see Remus out this late, and looking so terrible. She thought, as a prefect, he would actually _obey the rules._

Severus, who had been glaring at James, slowly turned to face Lily, who was glaring back at him, with a sinking feeling in her stomach, the kind that comes with betrayal. Meanwhile, James watched their faces, the girl he loved and he boy he hated, reading them both like books.

"Ooh, Snivellus, didn't tell her. Huh. Looks an awful lot like-"

"Shut up, Potter!" Lily snapped. "Go! Just-go! Leave!"

Though slightly taken aback by her outburst, James quickly shot back at her, "Go out with me, Evans. Next Hogsmeade weekend."

"Ugh. Get over yourself, Potter. You can strut around the castle all you like, acting the huge Quidditch hero, but don't think that however many times you catch a Snitch will change the fact that your head needs deflating." Completely unfazed by this, James headed towards the portrait hole, calling back , "I know you love me, Evans!" as it swung closed.

"I _hate_ that Potter!" Severus hissed through clenched teeth.

"Yes, I _know_," Lily snapped. "But, Sev-and don't lie to me-" he flinched at this, "did you? Is Potter telling the truth?"

"He was...saying things...about you...wouldn't've..." his eyes dropped to his shoes.

"Sev...you can't go around hexing people who say stuff about me."

"Why not?" he met her eyes, and both green and black softened.

"It's just...I don't understand...noone understands why I talk to you. And I'm not too sure now, either." She held back the tears she so wanted to let spill from her eyes, wandering what had happened to the boy who had made leaves fly for her by the lake.

"Lily, please...I'm sorry." the despair he had been holding back now showed, seeping into his voice, into his face.

"How many times have you said that, though? Last time I can recall was when you called me a...a..."

"Mudblood." he whispered softly.

"See?" she cried. "You don't care. To you, that word is just a name, now, something everyone of muggle birth should be called. It just rolls off your tongue, doesn't it? Do you know what people are _saying_, Severus? About you and all your little Death Eater friends? Haven't heard the rumours? Or aren't they rumours, Sev?"

The painful truth showed on his face, and, without another word, she slammed through the portrait hole.

No one emerged after that to hear Severus whisper "I love you" into the silence, or to see him sink to the floor with his head in his hands.


	2. Chapter 2

"I thought you hated him!" Severus slammed his hands down hard on the desk in front of him.

"Why do you care, Severus? I'm just a Mudblood." Lily replied coldly, not lifting her eyes from the parchment in front of her. It was their seventh year, and the news that Lily Evans and James Potter had gone to Hogsmeade together on Valentine's Day had spread through the school like fiendfyre.

Severus groaned. "I didn't mean to! That was in fifth year, Lily, I've, I've...changed since then!"

"Really?" she replied, still not lifting her eyes. "Is that why I heard you talking with your friends about all those Gryffindor Mudblood girls, Lily, Alice and Marlene? Doesn't really sound like change. Is it because you changed that you and your friends all drew Dark Marks on your arms, Severus? Why you did that to Mary MacDonald the other night? She's my best friend, Severus. And right now, I'm having a lot of trouble calling you one. We haven't talked for weeks! You and I both know well where all those 'friends' of yours are going." As she said these last words, images flew through Lily's mind, stinging her eyes with tears once more.

Severus, making leaves fly by the lake, telling her about the Dementors, showing her the Giant Squid. Hanging upside down, suspended by James Potter's spell, lips forming the word 'MUDBLOOD', the countless apologies, the hurt, loss, betrayal.

Lily slammed her books shut, rolled up the parchment and stalked out of the library. "Lily! You know I won't join...Lily! Where are you going?"

Lily spun around in the middle of the corridor, red hair flying. "Why should you care, Severus? How about I ask Mary, or Amos, or any of the others, why should you care, because I'm just another Mudblood, aren't I? Nothing changed, Severus. Yes, it was fifth year, but nothing-has-changed." She glared at him, daring him to say otherwise, before turning away again.

"Lily..." Severus said. She stopped and turned around, smiling sadly. "I..."

She smiled again, and turned away, only now allowing the long-held-back tears to spill down her face.


	3. Chapter 3

The doorbell was ringing. "Lily, doorbell!"

"Tuney, doorbell!" Lily called down from her room. It was two years since she'd graduated from Hogwarts, with top marks.

Voices rose from downstairs-"Lily? She's up there." Things had been icy between Lily and Petunia ever since she'd gotten back from Hogwarts. There was a loud _crack_, and a knock on her door.

"Who is it?"

"Severus." Lily's head snapped up from her book. What was he doing here?

"Come...come in." the door slowly opened, and Severus put his head around, smiling slightly.

"Hello, Lily."

"What are you doing here, Severus?" she said, as they had not spoken for two years.

"I just...wanted to say...I...I miss you, Lily. I miss our friendship, the weekends by the lake." He sat down on her bed, looking around the bedroom, where Lily had stuck various wizarding photos, of her friends, of (and he gritted his teeth when he saw this) James, and then, right next to her bed, a photo of them laughing in their first year. Her hair had darkened since then, and he noticed that it had grown since they last met. He liked her hair long.

"I miss it too, Severus. But everything's changed. I didn't realise you could stay for this long in a house full of Muggles." Lily replied.

"Lily...can't we just put this all behind us, now? I haven't...done what you thought I would. Look!" he pulled both of his sleeves back to show his pale arms, not yet decorated with the Dark Mark.

She smiled when she saw this, and relaxed. "Then...what have you been doing, Sev?" the use of his old nickname relaxed Severus, and he knew that not all was lost between them.

"Travelling, mostly. You should come with me, Lily. It's lonely travelling by myself...and there's such a huge world out there, you've got to get out of here. It's interesting, too. Mulciber joined the Dark Lord last year, and he's been trying to get me to, now."

"Did you say yes?"

"I didn't reply to his owl. But Lily-come with me! See the world!" Lily stood out of her chair and flopped down onto the bed next to Severus.

"I wish I could, Sev, but I can't leave all of this behind...I love it too much." she shrugged.

"This?" he exclaimed, "This? Cooped up in a house full of...Muggles! Sitting around, not going out, not doing anything?"

"The only reason I can't go out is because it's _dangerous_ now, Sev. Haven't you read the news?" she handed him a _Daily Prophet._ "He's out there, Severus, he's becoming more powerful, and you know it. We have to stay safe."

Severus mumbled something which Lily could only distinguish as "I...you...safe." She smiled, knowing what he had meant.

"Sev?" Lily said, in a voice barely above a whisper, "Are you going to...join? You were thinking of in school, and I can see that you're thinking about it now. Because that's what you all wanted, wasn't it, Severus? Power, control, no more bullies."

"Like Potter?" he asked.

"He's...he changed, Severus. He lifted that Engorgio charm off his head and, well..." Lily blushed.

Suddenly, without knowing what had happened, Lily found Severus's face very close to hers. Her heart started pounding, and he started leaning towards her, put his hand on her arm, and for a fleeting moment, their lips met, before-

"Severus!" Lily jumped back, shocked, green eyes wide. He turned scarlet, mumbled something about leaving, and Disapparated.

She rose from the bed, and tentatively, softly, called out, "Sev?" though she knew it was a stupid thing to do. Slightly shaken, she slowly dropped onto her bed, hand covering her mouth, suddenly realising, understanding. His hate of James, his defensiveness about her...she shook her head.

A tapping on her window broke her reverie. An owl was pecking at the glass, a letter attached to its foot. Lily rose from her bed, and gently unlatched the shutter, petting the tawny owl and unrolling the note which was written in James's rushed style.

_Hey Lil,_

_I'm coming over at about 4:30, don't be late._

_James x_

She smiled at James's note. Her parents liked James, they thought him kind and funny, and ever so charming, although Petunia didn't, and she still retained her fondness of using the word 'freak'. When Lily had told her about James, Petunia had replied, "I've got a boyfriend too, Vernon Dursley. He's sensible. So don't go scaring him off with your freaky boyfriend, Lily."

To which she had replied, in a broken voice, "I...I won't, Tuney."

"Petunia, Lily. We are not little girls anymore. One of us, at least, grew up to be sensible." and then she'd left, brushing past Lily, who had been standing in the doorway to Petunia's dusty-pink painted bedroom.

"Oh, Tuney. Whatever happened to the girl who asked Dumbledore to let her come to Hogwarts? Now you're..._sensible_. What a stupid word." Lily smiled to herself, and left.

Vernon Dursley's reaction to meeting her had been odd. He was quite round, Lily thought, and altogether too polite, and talked far too much about his minor job at Grunnings, and about his time at Smeltings.

Lily did not realise quite how long she had been thinking about this until the doorbell rang at precisely 4:30. She knew that James could have easily Apparated into her bedroom, but somehow, he always knew how to please her family.

She ran downstairs, threw open the door, and hugged him. "Woah," he said, hugging her back, "hello, Evans."

"Mum! Dad! James is here!" her parents came bustling into the hall and started the whole "Are you well?" "How lovely to see you," "And how are your parents?" routine.

"Can I steal Lily for the afternoon, Mr Evans?" James said, winking at her father, who seemed to know something no one else did.

"Of course, James! Only don't stay out too late, Lily." he winked back, and Lily stared from one to the other, incredulous.

"Come on!" James pulled her out of the door, kissed her cheek and Apparated with her, into the tight blackness. They fell out of limbo, and onto the banks of the lake where Severus had made the leaves fly. Lily laughed.

"I remember this place! This is where...where...where Severus made the leaves fly for me, before we even came to Hogwarts, James."

Seeing a crease appearing in James's forehead when she said this, James rolled her eyes and told him, "James, Severus and I were best friends...I know you don't like it, but you can't change that. I still love you." she added playfully, nudging him on the shoulder. His frown broke into a smile, and he invited her to go for a walk with him.

As they strolled along the lake bed, with the sun bearing down on them, James sighed. Lily looked around at him, asking what the matter was.

"Oh, nothing, really. I sort of miss Hogwarts, you know, Lily? And I hate not being able to go out and really _do_ things, because of You-Know-Who. Have you heard about the Order of the Phoenix Dumbledore started, to fight him? I want to join." he turned around to face her, grinning.

"I miss it too, James. And I would like to join the Order, I remember Alice writing to me about it a while ago-she and Frank joined, did you hear? Only she couldn't really tell me much, in case the owl was intercepted. Times are getting worse, James, and I wish they weren't. James?" she noticed that he had suddenly become preoccupied with something in his pocket, and had adopted a nervous look.

"Lily...I...I know, times are changing, for the worse, and I don't know what's going to happen next, so I...I..." the usually talkative James started to become tongue-tied, something Lily knew only occurred when he was anxious about something, and, when he sank down on one knee, her face split wide into a grin.

He displayed a small, red velvet box in his hand, which popped open to reveal a diamond ring, gleaming in the sun. Lily dropped to her knees and kissed James, before pulling away and saying, "Yes! James, yes!" and hugging him tightly.

James, relieved, burst out laughing, and kissed her again, longer this time. "Did you plot this? With my father, James? I saw you two winking at each other before we left." Lily said.

"Did you? Are you sure you weren't Confunded?" he said slyly, resulting in a playful slap on the shoulder from Lily, who lay down in the jade green grass by the lake, just as she had all those years ago, with Severus. Her heart saddened slightly at this thought, and subconsciously, she made a pact with herself to keep the secret of his love for her to herself.

As night started to fall, James and Lily left the lake, hand in hand, and, once her flaming hair had faded into the distance, Severus lifted the Disillusion Charm he had placed upon himself, revealing the tears rolling down his face. Inside, he felt a sharp, hollow loss, as though all the love in the world had been dissolved, as though all happiness had been lost, and could never be gained back.

He looked at the tree branches above his head, one of which had been broken off, although it had been years ago since it had struck Petunia Evans's shoulder, causing her to cry. Stupid Muggle, he thought savagely to himself. Standing, he stretched, and walked down to the lake, where he kicked off his shoes and stood in the shallows of the freezing water, eyes closed, losing track of time. When his pale feet grew numb, he found his shoes, and Disapparated.

Severus stepped out of the darkness and into a deserted street, where the only sounds were the raucous laughter and clink of glass from a pub, that's name most had forgotten, and was now referred to as 'The Hole'. None knew why-it just was.

It was into this pub that Severus then swept, where he found an old friend-Mulciber-at the bar.

" 'Ello, Severus," he said, a little louder than usual.

"I am here on business, Mulciber." Severus replied coolly. "I wish...I wish to join...your master."

At this, Mulciber slopped Firewhiskey down his front and slapped Severus on the back, announcing that he always knew Severus would come to his senses.

"So, my friend, what changed your mind, eh?" he asked, at the same time motioning to a barmaid that he would like another drink. The girl nodded nervously in reply, but didn't say anything.

"Just...a personal matter, Mulciber. It has been on my mind for some time now, and I k now I must do...what is right." he said. "When...how...do I, uh-?"

"Join?" Mulciber finished. "Come tonight-you were always one for timing, Severus. Tonight we meet at the graveyard in Little Hangleton, at midnight. Don't be late. Now, I need another drink..."


	4. Chapter 4

The grass was wet, and slightly slippery as Severus made his way through the graveyard, led by Mulciber. He could feel heart racing, knowing that he was severing his last tie to Lily, and becoming the thing that she so hated.

But what ties were there to sever, when she, knowing how he felt, had accepted James Potter's proposal. What did she see in him? His head was the product of an Engorgio charm, although she claimed he had deflated it, he was arrogant, full of himself...but then a thought struck Severus, as his blood boiled with hatred. Perhaps the Dark Lord would permit him to kill Potter, although it would destroy Lily, and she would then hate him...or would she? Perhaps all that stood between them was Potter, or maybe something would happen to him...

As these disconnected thoughts and plans raced through Severus's mind, he felt a slight chill descend through the air. "Nearly there, Severus." Mulciber announced. "The Dark Lord will be most pleased to have you join-he knows of your talent, Severus, and thus was going to convert you, one way or another." he gave a dark chuckle.

Ahead of them, dark, hooded shapes were forming through the gloom, and a low hum, which Severus realised were the voices of the congregated Death Eaters, could be heard.

"Stay here," Mulciber whispered to Severus, and then strode forwards into the circle of Death Eaters.

A high, cold voice met Severus's ears, one that sent a chill down his spine, and made the hair on the back of his neck stand on end.

"Mulciber? So...please that you could join us, this evening."

"My Lord, I bring you someone tonight. He is waiting just outside the circle."

The voice of the Dark Lord rang throughout the silence as he said "Yes? And who do you bring before me tonight, Mulciber?"

"Severus Snape, my Lord." he replied, and Severus slowly stepped into the circle.

"Snape?" the Dark Lord replied. "Excellent! Come forth, Severus Snape." The Dark Lord beckoned to him to come forwards, which he did rather tentatively. He felt Mulciber push him forwards.

Bowing, he said, "My Lord. I come before you tonight as I wish to pledge my allegiance. I have put off our meeting for far too long, and, tonight, Mulciber was only too willing to help me join you."

Straightening, he looked the Dark Lord square in the eyes, as the ghost of a smile alighted the thin lips, and, in his high, cold voice, the Dark Lord spoke again.

"Thank you for joining us, Severus." he said. "Before the night is over, I am sure you will be joining us in our battle against the impurities which strangle the wizarding world. But first...present me your arm, Severus. Roll back your sleeve." Mulciber nodded when Severus looked back at him, and so he dutifully pulled back his sleeve.

He watched fearfully as the Dark Lord pulled out his wand, and pressed it hard into his bare arm.

A searing pain shot through his arm, one that would have brought tears to his eyes if he had not wasted them all on Lily Evans. He fell to the ground, shaking, as the Dark Lord released him.

On his arm, a jet black skull with a snake protruding from its mouth writhed, the Dark Mark burning on his flesh, a symbol of all Lily had hated, now standing out in contrast on his pale arm.

The last tie was cut.


	5. Chapter 5

For a moment, Severus felt as though he could not possibly go past this point. He knew it was only a matter of time before is nerve failed him. The Mark on his arm had spontaneously burned like fire an hour previously, but it was not for that reason he had come here tonight. Tears already spilling down his pale cheeks, the gate creaked as he pushed through.

The front door, broken and charred, swung off its one hinge, and he pushed it aside as it blocked his path. Debris was scattered across the floor, and a loud _crunch _told him that he'd stepped on James Potter's round-framed glasses. He looked down at them, a tear sliding off the end his long, hooked nose.

At the end of the corridor, a cracked mirror had fallen. He saw himself in it briefly, and wondered at what he had become. That's when he noticed the hand, lying on the ground, leading to an arm, which lead to the body of James Potter, the man he had hated since he was eleven. Although he knew that Lily had loved him, Severus felt, deep within, a small surge of vindictive pleasure.

Then his face fell, and the realisation of what was upstairs hit him squarely in the heart, and his knees gave way for a second, a low, strangled moan escaping his dry lips.

Charred, broken, the stairs creaked beneath his feet. What appeared to be fragments of a door lay on the carpet, shattered, like his heart, which he had hidden away for so long.

Funnily enough, the door with _HARRY _painted onto it in familiar hand-writing had withstood the rebounding curse, and he had barely enough strength to push it open.

The room was lit by a single lamp, although he barely noticed it before he had to brace himself against the wall.

Still, she was beautiful, even in her death. The light caught her red hair and painted shadows across her face. The low moan breaking into strangled, raking sobs, slowly, ever so slowly, he lifted her into an embrace, feeling her cold hands, warming them, trying to fill the hole that had been torn from his heart, from his life. The world collapsed around him as he held the woman he loved, tried to hold on forever, as the tears spilled forth in floods, into her long red hair. He kissed the top of her head, and wished the child would stop crying.

It felt as though his heart had been torn from his chest, and as though he would never get it back. Somehow, he'd never expected to.

Hours, days, weeks seemed to pass by, but time mattered not. All that mattered was that his hands were knotted into her hair for the last time, he could not bring her back, she was gone, gone, gone. The word chanted relentlessly in his head the evidence of his love rolled down his cheeks.

He wished that he, too, could have died-and he knew that he wanted to. To die would mean to be with her, forever. Now, life did not seem so great a sacrifice, as now, it was a life without Lily.

And inside, he knew he was already dead.


	6. Epilogue

He strode past the mirror, wondering why Dumbledore had chosen the empty classroom to keep it in. A flash of vibrant red caught his eye, and he doubled back. It was a colour that he had not seen since that Halloween when the world ended.

Severus Snape stood in front of the Mirror of Erised, and looked into it. Reflected in its depths, he watched as the image unfolded. He saw himself reflected there, with her. Lily. Her beautiful hair trailed down her back as she smiled blissfully, and hugged one of the two children standing in front of them-a young boy with black hair, and a girl, perhaps one or two years older, with flaming red hair, like her mothers.

Lily put her arm around him, Severus, and he watched himself smile, something he hadn't done since the day she turned him down, as she kissed him on the cheek with her full lips.

Glistening tears rolled down his moonlit face, and he slowly sank to his knees before the mirror, watching the family in the mirror-the family he could have had, the family he wished he had. His hands rested gently on the glass, and the girl smiled down at him, the image of her mother, while the boy looked a little more like he did, although his eyes were like Lily's.

Hours passed as he wept before the mirror, as tear after tear spilled from his eyes and fell to the cold stone floor. Severus knew that he could have stayed there forever, tormented by his heart's one true desire, wasted away at her feet.

Night after night, for weeks, he returned, just to see her face, to torture himself with what could have been. The mirror was moved, then, and he tried to pass the three-headed dog to see it again, but was left with nothing but a burning desire and a gash in his leg.

It was torture, afterwards, knowing that he could never see her again, see that same image swim before him, showing him his own desires.

He forgot how he survived, when he looked back on those weeks. He was barely alive, he knew, in one sense. In a way that only Albus Dumbledore would ever know.

He felt dead.


End file.
